So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
