Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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