chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
