Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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