i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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