Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize
