apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
