I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
