Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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