During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
