Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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