her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
