Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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