My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
