Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
