Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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