Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
please come you make the beer taste better
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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