i wish peter jackson would direct porn
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
