forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
