Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
