Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
