I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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