I feel great
I just peed on a car
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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