i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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