Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
