toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
