I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
