Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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