i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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