My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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