Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
