Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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