and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You pole danced in your parka.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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