he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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