My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
