I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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