Only a mothe r could love this liver
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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