Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
