I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
