Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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