Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
