I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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