i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
