dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
