Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
