"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
