I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
