How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
