1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
