so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
